then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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