There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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