There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
