I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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