party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
