it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
So much rum. So many feels.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
