What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
