my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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