Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
