Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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