I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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