I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
