Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
