Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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