God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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