You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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