i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
