Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
