his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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