Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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