I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My vagina just recognized that song.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
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