My Higher Power is John Stamos
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
only you would photoshop your dick
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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