You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
