I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
