decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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