You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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