My Higher Power is John Stamos
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
