Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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