I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
