I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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