I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
