I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
