Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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