Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize