I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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