Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
