Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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