I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
