o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
