Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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