oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize