I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
