The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
