Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
