I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
