what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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