So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
