You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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