you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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