I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
