i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
