so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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