This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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