i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
