I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
